"Ooh! A spider web!" was the universal response.
Clearly, this was not what I was looking for. "But what about the pattern on the other side?" I asked.
"Ooh! Spiders!" was the universal response.
And so, I bowed to the inevitable. A spidery fingerless mittens pattern was apparently what I had, so I went with it!
Flash forward some months later, and Knotions magazine has published it in their October 2018 issue! All of the patterns in Knotions are free, so you can grab it for no cost and make it in whatever kind of colour scheme you like - for example, orange and black to make it Hallowe'eny; or red, blue and black for Spiderman fans; or in more understated colours for an elegant look...whatever; the choice is, naturally, yours! The pattern is called Charlotte, and I hope people like it.
(P.S. I will totally be revisiting the idea of a Kumiko knitting pattern some day!)